Why Your Second Date Is More Important Than Your First
There is a lot of pressure on a first date.
You are meeting a complete stranger, trying to make a good impression, wondering what to wear, deciding whether you are talking too much or not enough, and quietly asking yourself the big question...
Could I actually see myself dating this person?
No wonder first dates can feel a little like a job interview, except there is usually wine involved and nobody has given you the job description.
As a matchmaker, I talk to singles about first dates all the time. And one of the things I often say is this:
Do not underestimate the second date.
In fact, I think your second date can be far more important than your first.
The first date is rarely the real you
When two people meet for the first time, there is inevitably a little nerves and self consciousness involved.
You are both presenting the best version of yourself. You are thinking about what you are saying, wondering what they are thinking, and probably noticing every tiny thing that does not go exactly as you imagined.
Maybe the conversation was a little stilted.
Maybe there were a few awkward silences.
Maybe you did not feel fireworks.
Maybe you came home thinking, They were lovely, but I am just not sure.
And this is where I think many singles can be too quick to dismiss someone.
Because not feeling instant chemistry does not necessarily mean there is no chemistry.
Sometimes it simply means you have met a stranger and need a little time to get comfortable with each other.
The second date is where things can change
By the second date, you already know a little about each other.
You have broken the ice. You know what they look like in real life, how they laugh, how they communicate and perhaps a little about their life.
You are no longer starting from zero.
And that can make a huge difference.
I have seen many people who were underwhelmed by a first date go on to have a very different experience on the second.
Why?
Because they were more relaxed.
They were not quite so busy assessing each other.
The conversation flowed more naturally.
They started to see the person rather than the first date version of the person.
And sometimes that is when the attraction begins to build.
I am not suggesting you go on a second date with everyone
There is an important distinction here.
If you had absolutely no interest, felt uncomfortable, or there were obvious reasons why you did not want to see someone again, then please listen to that instinct.
I am not suggesting anyone should ignore their gut feeling.
But if your reaction was simply:
He was nice, but I am not sure.
or
She was lovely, but I did not feel a huge spark.
Then perhaps not sure is actually enough reason to have another date.
You do not have to decide if someone is your future partner after 90 minutes.
You just need to decide whether you would like to know them a little better.
Dating is not always about fireworks
We have become very used to hearing about chemistry, sparks, butterflies and that elusive feeling of being swept off our feet.
And of course attraction matters.
But attraction can look very different from one person to another.
Sometimes it is instant.
Sometimes it grows.
Sometimes you meet someone and think, Wow.
And sometimes you meet someone and think, Hmm... there might be something here.
I would take the second option seriously.
Particularly when you are dating with the intention of finding a genuine relationship, rather than simply looking for the biggest first date high.
The person who makes you feel calm, comfortable, respected and interested may ultimately be a much better match than the person who gives you butterflies but leaves you wondering where you stand.
Dating is about getting to know people.
And if you are trying to find someone to share your life with, it is worth allowing a little room for something to develop.
This is one of the reasons I love matchmaking.
When I introduce two people through Two’s Company, I am not expecting them to know within an hour whether they have found their person.
The first date is simply an opportunity to meet.
The second date is an opportunity to explore.
So, should you go on the second date?
My rule of thumb is pretty simple.
Don’t over think it. Don't take it too seriously.
Go on the second date.
You might just find that the second date tells you far more than the first one ever could.
If you would like more information on how Two’s Company works, please check out our website.